Today started off with a bang, at 4:30am Miss Cathy woke me up by shouting out my name. When she knew she had my attention she said, “I think someone is at the door.” “It’s 4:30 in the morning,” I said but I got up anyway and walked my naked ass to the door in the dark without my glasses to pacify her.

When I got back in bed I struggled to not be pissed off and to try to relax so I could get back to sleep. I must have dropped off at some point because the next thing I knew it was 8:30am and time to get up “to make the donuts”.

It was a quiet morning; I had time for my coffee and time to write in my journal on the balcony, enjoying the morning air. When I talked to Miss Cathy later in the day there was no mention of waking me up earlier, maybe she’d forgotten about it? Oh well, I didn’t think much of it-just that it’s probably something I’ll have to expect from time to time. I’m trying to learn that it’s not what she does that I should be concerned about-it’s more about my reaction and how I handle the situation, come what may.

My nephew, Zachary called early in the day to invite to see his new apartment so I had something to look forward to and my first quandary. I had told Zach that “maybe I would come alone if grandma wasn’t feeling up to the trip” but after thinking about it I admitted to myself that I wanted to go alone to see his place. I haven’t seen my nephew in awhile and I rarely get a chance to spend any quality time with him so I selfishly decided that I’d go by myself. What to tell Miss Cathy was another story. I rationalized that Miss Cathy didn’t include me in her plans with her girlfriend (nor did I want her too) and Suemi did tell me that I should go out and do what I needed for myself, that she would be (and had been fine) on her own alone at Tony’s house for a few hours.

It’s funny but I debated whether or not to go alone, wondering if she would be hurt if I didn’t invite her, if she’d just assume that she was invited and start to get ready……. Oye! I was really over thinking this but hey-it’s what I do.

As the time grew near to leave I thought I was in the clear because she’d been napping most of the afternoon but just as I was leaving my room to walk out the door I saw that she was wide awake. So, I decided to tell her that I was “going out for a while” and that I was “going over to see Zachary’s new place”. Her only question was whether Tony and Suemi would be there. She didn’t make a move to come along or ask if she was invited-it was a non-issue.

Almost an hour later I was sitting in my nephew’s apartment, marveling at the interior architecture, it had the bones of a great 1960’s apartment, exposed beam ceiling, high slanted ceiling and tons of natural light. We sat on his Ikea dining room chairs that he’d just put together and he asked me for some decorating advice that I was delighted to give.


I noticed that I’d missed two voicemails from Miss Cathy so I went to retrieve them. Before I could listen to the first message mom was calling through again.

“Hi mom”, I said, “What’s going on?”

“I had a little accident”, she said in a little girl voice.

I thought she meant that she’d urinated on herself so imagine my surprise when she told me that she’d fallen down and hit her head. She couldn’t really tell me how she came to fall, all she knew was that she’d fallen and hit the back of her head on her nightstand. She told me that she’d called Dr Granite and he advised going to the hospital if she couldn’t find someone to sit with her because she was alone. She sounded pretty calm considering what had happened and I told her so. I reminded her that she was doing a good job; she’d called me, her doctor and even the neighbors to let them know what happened. I told her that I was on my way home and to call me if she felt dizzy again or if she needed to call the rescue squad.

I hung up the phone, told Zach what had happened and that I had to leave immediately. Part of me felt cheated, cheated out of some “me” time, cheated out of an opportunity to bond with my nephew, whom I rarely see and don’t really know as an adult (hell, I barely knew much about him as he was growing up) I’d only been there about 30 minutes and I felt like we’d just started a conversation and now it was interrupted, who knows when it will continue. I’m not being dramatic I just know that we’re not that close of a family, he’s young and just starting life on his own and I’ve got my plateful (clearly) and don’t know when I’ll feel secure enough to leave Miss Cathy alone again to make the two hour drive round trip to hang out with my nephew.

Zach walked me out to my car and I gave him a hug goodbye. There was so much I wanted t talk to him about, to ask him, but it will have to wait till another time.

I drove onto the freeway in the wrong direction costing me about 20 minutes additional travel time. It was a combination of being upset and not having any sense of direction at all. I was frustrated that it happened but not surprised. I called Tony to help get me back on track and after I followed his directions I was driving on a completely different highway home-that’s sure not going to help me get back there again.

When I had Tony on the phone I didn’t tell him what had happened, he was in the car with Suemi and Nile on their way to a movie. I thought, “Why ruin their afternoon.” They just spent the last two months taking care of Miss Cathy, best to let them enjoy some time to themselves for a while, besides, they’ll find out soon enough.

Traffic was god awful but I finally got home an hour later to find Miss Cathy sitting in the living room with small ziplock bag of watery ice held against the back of her head. She was visibly happy to see me and immediately starting apologizing,” for taking me away from my evening”. I told her she had nothing to apologize for and I meant it. It’s not like she called me t say she was bored and wanted company-something real happened and let’s face it-I’m here precisely because of things like this happening.

I seem to be more in my element when there’s a clear crisis or problem to solve. The day to day mundane activities of care giving seem to be what trip me up the most and cause me the most irritation. Give me a bump on the head and I know what to do-and howto respond with kindness, understanding and action.

It was 5:45pm when I get back here, by 7:30pm I had made her dinner, sat with her in the living room keeping her company and checking to make sure she didn’t show any signs of having a concussion. I changed her ice packs a few times, and warmed her throw in the dryer so she could wrap up and be toasty warm. The throw in the dryer was her idea and a pretty good solution to her always feeling cold. She even had me put a warmed throw on top of her sheets for when she got into bed.

By the time she was ready to go to bed she was in a pretty good mood and as she was toddling down the hall to her bedroom I could hear her saying to herself more than anybody, “And I had the nerve to think I could live alone.” “I can’t even walk around the apartment without falling-that’s pretty fucked up!”