I don’t really feel on top of my game today. Maybe it’s because I stayed up late last night watching TV or because today I realized that I’m not doing such a hot job of taking care of Miss Cathy. I mean, we got to her appt with Dr Granite on time and everything.We were a little early which is what she prefers but while we were in the waiting room I looked in my bag and realized that I’d forgotten my “Mom” book-the one that I keep all my notes, her appointments, etc.

I mean, jeez-I’m the one who set the appointment, I knew what I had to pack and I didn’t double-check my bag this morning before we left. Oh no, I was too busy this morning with my own personal grooming to make sure I had what she needed-speaking of personal grooming I noticed that Miss Cathy could have used some lotion (or Vaseline-her preference) on her legs and a comb threw her hair.

I’ve got to start noticing these things before we leave the apartment. Not that she’s complaining, it’s a little past 4pmand she’s just rousing from a nap and called me into her bedroom to tell (once again) how much she appreciated the “God given sacrifice” I’ve made to live with her, that I “gave up my lifestyle” or “my life” she was confused which it should be but she wanted me to know that she knows that what I’ve done has allowed her to be in her own home.

She asked me to come give her a hug and I guiltily walked out of the room. If she only knew how much shit I talk about her behind her back and how I spend most days just going through the motions till I can be alone in my little room for some “me” time when I don’t have to listen to her constant talking and the never ending repetitious conversations about the same four topics.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. Tony and Suemi came over to drop off the last of the boxes of my stuff that I mailed to then from Kansas City. They were suppose to just do a quick “drive-by” but I ended up sitting in their car and talking to them for about 20 minutes knowing that they had somewhere to be but not being able to shut up. I was like a child with an ice cream cone, I was furiously trying to devour it before the sun melted it or someone came and took it away. I was grateful for the company and obviously needed to talk about what it’s been like here. And they are the two people that can relate the most.

It felt great sitting in their car, laughing and comparing “war stories”. It wasn’t all at Miss Cathy’s expense, most of it was just letting off some steam and feeling validated by someone who’s been there, too.

Jeez, wring/reading that makes me wonder if I “need” to get to a support group meeting! If I’m this desirous of company and “need “ to talk so much about what’s going on, wouldn’t it make sense? Anyway, being with them, even for a short period of time recharged my battery and was just the shot in the arm I needed to “keep on, keeping on”.

Especially since I missed my “outing” with my friend William. It was totally my fault, we were suppose to get together on Sunday and I was really looking forward to it but I didn’t have my cell phone near me when he called so he had to made other choices that means we probably won’t see each other for awhile. When we finally talked on the phone he told me how he and his partner, Anthony went to a movie and out for a bite to eat, I listened wishing that I was there-dressed in grown up clothes and having grown up conversation about something other than “the weather, pills, traffic or what a bitch Suemi is”.
Oh well, it’s just one more thing for me to beat myself up about. And the joke between us is that William is supposed to be the “un-dependable” one