Today feels like it’s going to be a good one. It’s only August 25th but its’ cool out here on the balcony this morning. Miss Cathy said last night that she was tired and going to “sleep in” but when I got up and quietly walked past her room I heard, “Good Morning” “What day is it?”

No matter, I took my high cholesterol morning pill, went into the kitchen to make coffee then filled a pan with water for the plants out on the balcony. The plants were a gift from Chad back in June when he drove out from Missouri with me in my car loaded down with some of my things. He was here to meet Miss Cathy for the first time and to help me out while I got her ready for her knee-replacement surgery. While he was here he decorated the balcony with palms, ferns and some blooming plants as a gift for her but he said that he also decorated it with me in mind so that I would have a calm, inviting retreat once I moved back here. It was a loving gesture that was completely lost on me at the time. I was going through so much emotionally (much of which I was clueless about) that I couldn’t appreciate the gift or the gesture-all I saw was another responsibility and something else I’d have t take care of. But now, I come out here and each time I water the plants or sit out here and journal or just sit in the rocking bench I think about Chad and what a loving gesture the plants are.

Miss Cathy had an outing yesterday (Tuesday the 24th). When I got up she was gone with Adele. It was nice to have the place to myself for a little while, I didn’t know how long she’d be gone but I was hoping until 2pm or so and I was just about right. So, I had the whole day to myself to work and make calls from the dining room and not be cramped up in my little bedroom where it’s hot (because of the computer and cable modem boxes) and unfortunately it’s a room that just doesn’t seem to get a lot of A/C so I have a small fan running 24/7. It’s still jammed packed with a lot of my stuff and not comfortable. I really didn’t think it was that bad until I started spending more time in other rooms of the apartment. I know I need to go online to Craigslist and buy some bookshelves and a comfortable chair and desk but at the end of the day I’m too tired and frankly I’m worried about the money.

When I first moved here I just holed in the room and made the best of it, hot, closed off, whatever-it was my sanctuary and I was/am glad of it. Now I’m spending more time in the living room with Miss Cathy, keeping her company and lately she’s been going to bed early so I’ve been watching TV in the living room in the evenings.

It was nice to have some peace and quiet while I worked and moved about during the day. When 2pm came and the “work day” was done I’d just gotten out of the shower, dressed and was about to leave to go to the hardware store to get a bolt for the toilet seat (I was so excited to have an “outing” and to see if I could remember how to get to the Lowes I saw the other day when Miss Cathy and I took her clothes to the Salvation Army to donate. This was my excitement for the day) when I heard someone fumbling with the locks so I knew that mom had returned. I stayed long enough to say hello to both of them and I was gone, happy to have somewhere to go even if for a little while, to be out in the world-even if “the world” was a strip mall in New Carrolton, Maryland.

Earlier, while I had the luxury of being alone and uncensored I called Chad to talk and catch up, we talk almost every night but most times I feel like I’m tired or boring or whatever, today I was rested and ready to chat. Being conscious of the time difference and not knowing if he’d been up late the night before I tried my best not to call too early (something I’m all too ready to bite someone else’s head off for) Since I’d seen that he was on Facebook I thought it was okay to call so I did. It was kind of obvious that he was distracted or cranky or “just not present” from early in the conversation but I didn’t care I just charged on, babbling about blah, blah, blah. He even told me he was pressed for time, that he was running out for a massage but I just kept talking till he cut me of to say he had to go or he’d be late. I got of the phone feeling needy and stupid, I know it’s not that big a deal but I couldn’t stop myself, I was that lonely and needing some contact with somebody. I know it’s not fair to make one person your “life-line” and your only social outlet-it’s not fair and it’s kind pathetic really.

So, I hung up with no malice toward him, hey, there’d been plenty of times when I was half present when he wanted to talk, it’s just a case of timing but it did make me realize that I’ve got to get out more.