OMG, I just had what was almost the exact same conversation I had with Miss Cathy a few weeks ago and a few weeks before that! It was all about my “not seeming like I was happy here”…….what? Again with this? Somebody get me a rock so I can just beat myself to death and get it over with already.
Okay, so the first time we had this talk “maybe” she was sensing something that was there, the second time, not so much and today…well, today I’d just come back from a long walk and was feeling pretty content. It was the first time in about a week I’d had any exercise so I was feeling all blissed out and happy that I’d done something good for myself (and now that’s all shot to shit after talking to her).
We’d still be talking if her phone hadn’t begun to ring. Thank God for whoever was on the other end of the line. She took the call, which was my cue to escape.
Now that I’m safely on the balcony (she wouldn’t dare come out here-too windy) and had a moment to reflect on all that was said I think I’m starting to understand where all of this is coming from-or part of it at least.
First of all, I knew something was up when I came back from my walk and she was sitting quietly in her room (the sitting wasn’t a clue but the quiet sure was). I was on my way to my bathroom for a shower when I looked in and saw her sitting on the edge of her bed, slumped over into herself, looking forlorn-not a good sign.
So (against my better judgment, knowing that all my serenity would be out the window the minute I engaged her) I asked her if anything was wrong.
“Well” she sighed, “It just doesn’t seem like you’re happy here.” And so it began-again. I told her that she was mistaken, that I’m just “me” and adjusting as best I can. I stood in the doorway as she launched into her reasons for worry. I stood there for the better part of an hour, listening as she went over old territory and some new, but the bottom line is that we’ve had this conversation before.
Since this isn’t my first time at this particular rodeo I listened differently, past the minutia and details so what I heard was different from the other conversations on this particular topic. I didn’t dispute what she had to say (and I definitely didn’t argue with her) but I didn’t just accept all that she had to say as “facts” either, rather I challenged her to see that what she was talking about were her “feelings” and it didn’t necessarily have to be true, for me anyway.
It dawned on me listening to her this time that she pieces together (or so it seems to me) statements or conversations (out of context) and weaves them into a narrative where the only conclusion that she can come up with is that I must be unhappy or I’d be acting in a way that she, either a) understood or 2) would want me to “be” living with her.
I think she might be feeling guilt over my making the choice to live with her so she’s projecting her own unhappiness of the situation onto me. I also think she’s worried that I’m going to bail on her or worse-stay here and make what time she’s got left miserable.
I’m here because I want to be here (hell, I volunteered) and now that this year has unfolded the way that it has I truly believe that this is where I’m suppose to be at this time in my life. So, I probably need to reassure her more.
The take away for me is that I’m not doing a very good job of giving her a sense of security.
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