Time off

For some time now I have been planning to go back to Kansas City for a week at the end of October, it would be my first “time off” since moving here to take care of Miss Cathy. I got the idea to take a week for myself every three or four months from my shrink. She suggested that I would need some time that was mine alone, to re-charge my batteries so that I would have the energy and proper mind-set to be successful as a caregiver to my mother. She said that it didn’t matter so much what I did or where I went, the important thing was to give myself some time away from care giving. My sister in law, Suemi, echoed the idea and the literature I’d been reading from the Alzheimer’s Association also seemed to stress that it was important for the caregiver to take care of themselves.

I arranged to have Miss Cathy stay with Tony and Suemi whenever I was gone and started to plan trips to KC and possibly back to NYC after the first of the year. Chad was looking forward to my being back I Kansas City and m New York friends all had a bed or couch I could sleep on when I came their way. Just knowing that I had those two trips to look forward to helped a great deal. Everything was in place and everyone seemed to be on board, except the only person I’d yet to tell my “getaway” plans to was Miss Cathy.

So, yesterday, with some trepidation I told Miss Cathy my plans to go back to Kansas City at the end of the month. I have to say, she took the news very well-initially. The first thing she said was that she was happy I was taking some time for myself and she applauded my being “independent”. She said she understood the desire to get away for a while and seemed pretty happy for me. She then started to talk about how she’d be “fine” alone in the apartment because she was so much “better” now.

Unfortunately, that’s when I had to burst her bubble and tell her that while I agreed that she was much better she still couldn’t stay in the apartment by herself.

When I said that she’d have to go back over to Tony’s house she balked.”Nawww, I’m not going back over there!”

“Wow”, I thought to myself, pretty much the reaction I was expecting-ad the reason I was dreading this conversation. I knew she wouldn’t want to go back over to Tony’s, bitched and moaned the entire time she was over there and she’s been pretty consistent in her vehemence about her stay since coming home. You’d think time would have mellowed her opinion, but, no but no.

I know she had to stay over at Tony’s for a lonnnng time but jeez, it was two months and she was with family-she wasn’t institutionalized. By her reaction and the way she talks about her time over there she’d think she was at Buckenwald-seriously. I don’t throw down the Holocaust card lightly but it’s the only thing I can think of to remind her what “horrible” really is and to put things in their proper perspective.

My God, she was lucky enough to have a son and daughter in law that loved her enough to take her in for two months and listen to her bitch and moan (daily I was told) bout how she “hated’ being there and all she wanted to do was go home.

She looked disappointed that I didn’t agree that she could stay alone but she didn’t get angry or argue (which is what I expected and was the reason I’d avoided telling her my plans earlier). She just expressed surprise given that she’d become more independent and nothing bad had happened in a long time.

I agreed with her that she as doing wonderfully and I was very proud of her but regardless of her progress, she simply cannot live alone ever again and no matter how much she forgets that fact I will have to remind her.

She said she understood what I was saying and she wouldn’t fight what my brother and I thought was best.

To say I was relieved would be an understatement, I’d been walking around for days gearing up for battle and her was the moment and there was no fight.

I suggested to her that maybe this time her experience might be different, she’s more mobile, more independent and maybe that would help her feel less confined and restricted. That seemed to register and she brightened a bit, she said that made sense and she offered that it might not be so bad knowing it would only be for a week and then she’d get to come home again.

Just as she said that there was a knock at the door. It was Adele come to pick her up for an “outing” so she was off shopping and I would get to have some “time off” in the middle of the day.