My mom came home yesterday, or should I say I was here at her condo waiting for her to come back to her apartment after staying with my brother, Tony and his wife, Suemi for two and half months while I closed the page on my life in Kansas City where I had been living for five years until we got the diagnosis in January that “Miss Cathy” has dementia and early onset Alzheimer’s.

Since the Neurologist, Dr Alemayehu spoke those words that January afternoon in early 2010 nothing has been the same, for any of us really and that’s not just my brother and me. What has happened to Miss Cathy has affected my partner, Chad, nephew, Zachary, niece, Nile and probably my sister In law, Suemi the most because other than me she has been the one who’s been responsible for Miss Cathy’s day to day care, and believe me it hasn’t been easy for Suemi-she’s bared the brunt of Miss Cathy’s insults, demands and incontinence…..but I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, yesterday….Tony and Suemi arrived a little before noon and it was hot outside, the East Coast (as well as the rest of the planet) is experiencing unusual weather patterns so it’s been a hot summer and yesterday was no exception. I was alittle ambivalent about Miss Cathy coming home which is kind of strange in that l changed my whole frigging life to come take care of her and after being here for a week in her apartment, alone, getting things set up, putting my things away and continuing to clean some off some of the years of neglect which l now see were early indicators of her diagnosis I was getting quite content to be alone here with just the “idea” of caring for my mother but when Tony called to say they were outside the building I went into helper” mode without having any “feelings” about what was about to happen.

I went out to help Tony unload the van of Mom and her possessions and was taken aback by the amount of “stuff” there was to bring in (my god, what was all that shit? And why did she possibly need it so much of it when all she’s done for 2 1/2 months is sit around and complain?) I mean, there were clothes and more clothes, curlers and curling irons (and this for someone whom grooming her hair is an ongoing battle), toiletries enough for someone who actually had somewhere to go, there were lots of “old lady” bags-you know the ones where an old lady uses plastic shopping bags instead of luggage and it’s tied together so tight (presumably to ward off theft) but all it’s accomplishes is making it a bitch to try to open the bags without having to rip the tops off.

I was surprised to see Suemi standing there helping Miss Cathy out of the van. I was used to Tony schlepping back and forth solo or as Miss Cathy’s sole companion.

I greeted them both in the off-handed manner that some people greet family that are not naturally warm or used to being demonstrative in each other’s company. Suemi gets a pass because she’s Japanese and it’s a cultural thing but try as we might the hugs between the blood kin are tepid at best but I do get credit for “introducing the concept of touch” to the family years ago when I was a young man living in New York, newly out and bonding with my “family of friends” who taught me how to show affection; freely and often. They showed me what a difference touch could make in a person’s life. So, like any arrogant, young, gay man who’s had a taste of sophistication and style I took every opportunity l could to bring back what ‘d learned and show (off) for the folks back home and teach them what I’d learned and they‘d been missing.

So, we hugged and l helped Tony bring everything in while Suemi helped Miss Cathy navigate getting from the van, to the curb, then up the two flights of stairs into the apartment. When l first saw my mom I was struck by how “little” she was/is. She was wearing a white summer hat that had a short brim and bow detail on the back, quite stylish so Suemi must have bought it for her. The loose skin on her upper arms that flapped out from her short sleeved blue cotton top looked sad and vulnerable, old and tired. Somehow it matched her footsteps, shuffling along at a turtle’s pace in men’s jogging shoes that are too big for her feet (but she insisted on wearing because she bought them so cheap).

As Miss Cathy did battle with the stairs I gave Tony a nod of “I’m shocked” as we passed them twice before she could make it up the first flight of stairs. She’d had a knee replacement surgery four months ago but she was walking just as slow or slower, needing as much help as when she left the rehab facility.

Tony and Suemi stayed long enough to get Miss Cathy settled, Suemi walked around with her as she re-acquainted herself with her home and “oowed and ahhed” over some of the changes that I’d made in her absence. I’d put a new set of bed linens, comforter, European squares and decorative pillows on her bed just before they arrived. I was going to wait and ask her if she wanted new bed things but when l took a look at the tattered, old, mystery fiber that was her red comforter, sham and the bed sheets it was time to put them out those of their misery. Believe me I would have liked to throw it all away but not knowing what her reaction would be I carefully washed, and folded everything and put it away till I could safely dispose of it all like the storage room full of other things I “retired” from her apartment these past six or seven months of cleaning and re-decorating. She seemed pleased and happy with the new bedding and other improvements.

I showed Suemi the silk drapes that I bought in KC with Chad’s employee discount from his part time job at Restoration Hardware. I’m planning on redoing the entire apartment (in time) but simple fixes like new drapes, cleaning and editing out all the crap are within my reach and budget. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for new carpet, appliances, paint, etc but there’s’ not rush ad time to be creative and safe money.

Tony took the time (but never sat down) as he went over Miss Cathy’s financial state, re-aquatinted me with her pill regimen and other aspects of her life that I’m now solely responsible for. I don’t know why I was feeling nervous or apprehensive. I’d done all of this before, albeit for short bursts of time but it was real and I was affective at handling it all. Maybe it’s because this time it’s for the long haul and I don’t get to go back to “my life” after 30 or 90 days. I took in a much information as I could before sensing that I was going into overload and asked Tony to take back some of the files and to continue being the primary financial officer. My thought was that he could take care of the bulk of the bills and financial matters and l could concentrate on her day-to-day well-being. He agreed and I felt alittle of the weight lifting that had been starting to crush me since they’d arrived.

As I walked the two of them out tot their car Suemi gave me a “you can do this, just be patient” look. On the steps outside the apartment door that she told me to make sure that mom is wearing her depends-apparently their had been a couple of accidents of the poo variety (as well as pee). At that moment Tony and Suemi did about two minutes of George and Martha form “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf” arguing about whether or not Miss Cathy has been cooperating in wearing her adult diaper and when.

Feeling it was safe to make my leave I waved them good-bye and when back into start the next chapter of my life with my mother.