A Caregiver’s Online Guide: TyTips on how to care for your loved one: Pt. ll

4)    Don’t ask your loved one to do something that you know they cannot do:

Sometimes we think that a loved one is being ‘lazy’ or not living up to their potential but the reality is that when you see that they are struggling to perform a task (that was previously not a challenge to them) it may be a sign that their disease is progressing, instead of insisting that they ‘can’ do whatever it is that they cannot, accept this as fact and move on

Do not berate them or think that you can turn this into a ‘teaching moment’, in most cases this exercise will only end in their frustration and your anger and disappointment

5)    Find a space that is yours:

It’s important to have a room or place where you can go to relax, unwind or decompress from the stress of caring for a loved one

It’s important to create a space that is yours alone to retreat to is yours alone  

 6)   Say good-bye to ‘who’ they used to be and hello to the person they are now:

Trying to get your loved one to ‘act’ or ‘react’ the why they did before they started on the spiral down into dementia is futile

Make peace with the person they are ‘now’ and adjust your expectations and requirements accordingly

Best to mourn the loss of who they used to be and be grateful for the moments when there is a flicker of their former selves

7)    Keep to your schedule:

Loved ones with dementia respond well to structure and routine

Do your best to be consistent in your actions and deeds

(For example:

If you say you will take them somewhere at a specific time-do not be late!

If they are used to bath time being at 7 pm-don’t start turn on the shower at 7:30pm!

To Be Continued: In the interim, I welcome your comments or suggestions from your own experience

A Caregiver’s Online Guide: TyTips on how to care for your loved one: Pt. l

The following are a few simple TyTips (suggestions for you to ponder or practice) that might help when it seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel is complete darkness:

1)    Start thinking of the things that you do for your loved one as ‘work’ and act accordingly:

Let’s face it, we all have different standards (usually higher) at work than at home so why not use that to your advantage

By utilizing the discipline, skills and organization at home that you would employ at work, your days will be more productive (the things that you do will be less of a ‘chore’ and more of a ‘task’)

2)    Detach:

Detachment can become your best defense against personal attacks

Separating your emotions from the task at hand when you are caring for a loved one can sometimes save you from getting hurt or feeling resentful

If you can separate your feelings from the person you’re caring for (spouse, parent, sibling or friend) then you might be better able to focus on the task at hand when they become verbally abusive or belligerent

3)    Stop arguing:

Engaging in an argument with a person with dementia is about as productive as trying to milk a bull

If your loved one becomes argumentative you can listen to what they have to say without responding (sometimes they just want to be heard)

Change the subject (by not directly responding to what they are emotionally upset about you might be able to ‘shake’ them out of their agitated state ad back to rational conversation)

Walk out of the room (sometimes leaving the room and coming back gives your loved one time to calm down, and the simple fact of walking in/out of the room instantly changes the dynamic that existed between the two of you…and (better yet) sometimes gives your loved one time to ‘forget’ what they were being argumentative about)

To Be Continued: In the interim, I welcome your comments or suggestions from your own experience

A Caregiver’s Online Guide: Learning to love your loved one (even during those times when you don’t like them very much)

It’s not one long love-fest when you’re a caregiver. You can’t expect that you will be showered with thanks and praise on a daily basis.

Let’s face it, it’s hard to hold onto that warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing that you’re doing the right thing when it seems (sometimes) as if your loved one is doing everything wrong (and sometimes you get the suspicion they’re doing it on purpose).

We, as caregivers have committed ourselves to the selfless act of caring for a loved one who may or may not even know who we are sometimes or have the ability to know that they should be grateful for all that we do.

And at the same time we have to acknowledge that we are still fully formed, feeling people who (like it or not) have a response to the “who, what, when and why” of our daily lives and that emotional response can be at odds with what we’re trying to do for our loved one.

Most days you’ll be taken for granted and some will be filled with confrontation, frustration and anger.

While other times your loved one will be constantly underfoot and smother you with so much love that you think you’ll suffocate from all the attention and wish there was a place to hide.

And inevitably there will come a time when, as a caregiver, you have to ask; what do I do if I don’t like the loved one I’m caring for?

Speaking for myself, I will admit there are days when Miss Cathy drives me absolutely crazy and others still when I simply don’t like her.

That’s not to say I don’t love her, I do, but we all know we can feel more than one thing at a time for a loved one.

Remember, ‘feelings aren’t facts’ so there’s no need to beat yourselves up over any negative emotions you may feel at any given time or place during your tenure as a caregiver.

Since we’ve all been charged (by choice or circumstance) with our loved ones care we can’t just walk away when we’re angry or frustrated so we need tools to help in those moments when we’re at our wits end.

I’ve complied a list of ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ that I will post and that I’ve found to be very helpful when “like” seems to be the hardest word to paraphrase an Elton John lyric.

I hope that you like them and they can help you to ‘like’ your loved one.

Hair today (not) washed tomorrow: Pt. lll

Arguing with Miss Cathy about washing her hair was about as useful as ‘tits on a bull’.

After weeks and days, and years and months of trying to convince her to do something different about caring for her ‘do’ I’d exhausted all reason and patience; if I weren’t already bald I’d have pulled my hair out.

My frustration was only topped by my disappointment in myself for arguing with her about the subject in the first place.

I (thought) I’d learned from my caregivers support group that you should never argue with someone with dementia, you’d never win so what’s the point.

Oh well, those fights are all ‘hair down the drain’ so there’s no sense dwelling on the past.

I realized that what I needed to do was 'something different’.

After all, Einstein said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result” and all my haranguing Miss Cathy about washing her hair definitely qualified as ‘insane’…100% justified, but still….

I knew I had to try a different tack and it came to me when I realized that she hadn’t been to the hair salon in quite some time.

In the past I let her make all the arrangements to ‘get her do did’ but we see how well that’s not working so it was time for me to add ‘grooming secretary’ to the ever-expanding list of things I do for her because she can no longer do for herself.

I called the salon to make an appointment and it was then that I realized the solution to my problem.

When the appointed day arrived I drove Miss Cathy (as usual) but instead of just opening the car door and leaving her to her own devises I went inside with her; 1) to handle the business transaction because she’s now at a point where money confuses her so I don’t want her to be taken advantage of and b) to speak with her stylist for a moment.

When the hairdresser came to the reception stand I introduced myself and before handing off Miss Cathy to her care I asked how often ‘one’ should wash their hair after having a chemical curl?

Her reply was “whenever you want but at least every two weeks” (which surprised me that one could go that long without shampooing but that’s besides the point).

The point was that I knew Miss Cathy has great respect for ‘professionals’ and now she’s heard from a hair-care professional about what was acceptable hair care (and not from me-her son, a ‘lay-person’).

And the stylist just so happened to be African-American (so mom can keep the race card in her deck and save it for some other argument).

I thanked the hairdresser for the information, and didn’t say a word to Miss Cathy except to tell her what time I’d be back to pick her up.

Two weeks to the morning after she’d been to the salon I announced that it was ‘wash day’, she acknowledged that she heard me but with about as much enthusiasm as if I’d said it was ‘enema day’.

When it got to be afternoon and time was fast approaching for her to beach herself in bed I had a ‘light bulb’ moment and instead of reminding her of what she ‘didn’t want to do’ I offered to wash her hair for her…and she accepted!

So, now I have shampoo days on the calendar along with all her other appointments and reminders.

Now, if I could only get the rest of her body immersed in water more often than her hair…oh well, there in lies the rub, “a dub-dub”.

Hair today, (not) washed tomorrow: Pt. ll

I find no pleasure in harassing Miss Cathy about her hair.

I know it’s embarrassing, and I know it’s a hard thing to hear, what parent wants their child telling them ‘they need to wash their hair’…never mind that the ‘child’ in question is fifty-four years old.

Mom’s issues around taking a shower (more specifically refusing to wash her hair on a regular basis) are bordering on the pathological.

She insists that “I don’t know what l’m talking about” when it comes to her hair care.

Her ‘go to’ defense is that I don’t understand because ‘I’m a man’ (as if the addition of a Y chromosome has anything to do with the maintenance of the follicles on top of one’s head, which are identical regardless of sex, but facts and science don’t seem to dissuade her from her argument-much like the Republicans members of the Tea Party).

Her other line of reasoning (if you can call it that) is that I don’t understand because ‘she has a ‘chemical curl’.

For those readers that are not African-American, think the opposite of the "perm" you went to the Salon to get back in the 70’s to make your straight hair curly, blacks go to their hairstylist to straighten their natural curl so, somehow (in her mind) the fact that her hair’s been treated exempts her from the routines of regular shampooing.

I find both lines of defense equally irrelevant because a) hair is hair-no matter on whose head it lies and 2) in my youth I’d been to more salons and had my hair “fried, dyed and laid to the side” more times than I care admit or that she’s ever likely to subject her hair to and c) who gives a sh*t if your hair is chemically treated or natural!

Hair is hair and non-washed hair is still unclean hair, no matter what a person’s done to it.

The last time we argued she told me that I don’t understand because, “black hair is different” at which point I looked at her as if she’d completely lost her mind and said,

“Just who do you think you’re talking to? What do you think I am?”

“Are you kidding me?!”

I’ve always found the ‘it’s a black thang’ a lazy (and obvious) argument between the races so imagine my disappointment (and surprise) that she was trying to play the ‘race’ card-and against her own race (not to mention her own flesh and blood…unless she forget to tell me that I’m some immaculately conceived progeny that’s been checking the wrong ethnic box on the census all these years).

Anyway, there’s Alzheimer’s and there’s just plain old “whatchu talkin’ about Miss Cathy?”