Nothing much to report on the mom front, I guess that’s good news but it leaves me feeling a little adrift. She slept alot yesterday, it was Sunday, one of my day’s off so I offered to take her anywhere she wanted to go, for a ride, to run errands, whatever. She said she wanted to go over to Adele's to borrow a curling iron but it was clear a few hours later that she’d changed her mind. So, Miss Cathy spent the majority of the day in bed and I took the advantage of the down-time to go shopping.

A couple days ago I forgot Miss Cathy’s morning pills, not giving them to her until 3:30 in the afternoon. Thank god she reminded me or I would have completely missed the cycle. It’s becoming such a routine that I could have sworn she’d taken them already. I’m soooo happy we have the “week at a glance” pill case that clearly indicated day of the week, morning and nite doses.

She’s much improved getting in/out of her shower-which she seems to take once a week. Since I’m just monitoring her habits I haven’t said anything yet, I’m just gathering data for what I don’t know but it gives me a sense of purpose.

There isn’t much improvement in her walking but she does seem “sharper”, more herself and less confused. Months ago Dr Granite had speculated whether her confusion was delirium or dementia, the former being temporary and the later chronic. Each time he asks how she is I have to tell him my honest assessment and which leads him to believe that it is Alzheimer’s but what if his possibility is a probability? What if she “clears” up in two or three months time, what do I do then? I “left” my life to be here, cast myself in a new role in my “life’s-play”, what would I play if she got better, regained her independence and didn’t need me?

I know it’s fucked up but I’m completely vested in the notion that she’s ill-not that I’m wishing that on her. It’s just that I never gave the possibility that this could be a temporary condition any serious thought since her diagnosis in January. To be clear she was seen by one of the top Neurologist in Maryland and the diagnosis has been confirmed by several doctors since that time. I don’t know I just have my moments when I wonder, “What did I get myself into?”

So, I’m noticing little things about how Miss Cathy is taking care of herself-or not taking care as the case may be, and it’s kinda frustrating. When we went to Dr Granite’s on Monday I made a point of watching her walk down the steps (after referring to my notebook) to see if she was doing it correctly she wasn’t. When she was in rehab she was taught walking down with her bad leg and up with her good. She was in rehab for a month and she had physical therapy almost every-single-day and she still doesn’t get it. She’s doing whatever she wants with no regard to what she’s been taught and Miss Cathy being Miss Cathy, she’s doing the exact opposite when presented with a set a stairs.

I brought it to her attention as gently as I could, suggesting that she stop and continue down the steps in the correct fashion. Well, she stood there so long she started to shake and she would try to reach out tentatively with the correct foot but never made contact with the step. After a few attempts she gave up and said, “I don’t want to walk that way, it just feels more comfortable the other way.” I stood there frustrated and angry with her. All the times that I fought with her in the rehab her about exercising and following instructions came rushing over me. I reminded myself that I’d decided to “pick my battles”, so I just reminded her that she’d learned all of this in rehab and she said, “Well, that was in there and I’m not there anymore.” Jeez Louise!

I told her that what she learned were things that she was suppose to do in her real-life, that like it or not things have changed and that she was suppose to do things differently for the rest of her life-whether she likes it not. When she protested I said, “Do what you want, but why’d you spend a month in rehab if you’re not going to do what they say?”

“Well, they don’t know everything.” Was her response, and then she started on about how you don’t have to follow everything “just” because someone taught it to you.

“Oh God,” I said, “Here we go again.” We got in the car and I changed the subject to something neutral.

Later that same day she got dizzy because she ‘d waited too long to eat, she sat on the sofa kinda collapsed in on herself, bathed in sweat, slowly going about the business of wiping her brow. It was upsetting to watch but I helped her, spoke to her softly and suggested she nap after she ate. She’s done that a few times since, I can’t seem to get her to realize that she’s got to pace herself, that she can’t “go, go, go” like she used to.

I’ve been trying to get on top of the paperwork and programs I said I was going to apply for on her behalf. I did call The Prince George’s Co Dept of Social Services on the 23rd and completed a phone application and a screening to hopefully get mom a bunch of services for free. The brochure said that they can: clean your house, help with personal care, shop, do laundry, make meals and even give me some time off and sit with her if I have something that I need to do. All this is available if you meet their financial standards and I haven’t a clue if she does or not. It sounded perfect (that’s why I was beating myself up for not having applied sooner) but it was too good to be true because I got a follow up phone call on the 25th telling me that there is a two to three year waiting list for services! Two to three years! Fuck it all to hell, the lady that called was apologetic and said she’d mail me info on some programs that Miss Cathy might be able to get into now.

I don’t know, I was pretty bummed because I was prepared for the fact that this other program (the one for assisted living) had a years long waiting list but I didn’t even think about this one. Oh well, back to filling out whatever forms come my way and making calls to find other resources to help me out. The irony is that I still have no idea if she makes too much money or not enough-no clue, so all this could be for naught. I guess I should call the Alzheimer’s contact that I got and talk to them about it.

Today feels like it’s going to be a good one. It’s only August 25th but its’ cool out here on the balcony this morning. Miss Cathy said last night that she was tired and going to “sleep in” but when I got up and quietly walked past her room I heard, “Good Morning” “What day is it?”

No matter, I took my high cholesterol morning pill, went into the kitchen to make coffee then filled a pan with water for the plants out on the balcony. The plants were a gift from Chad back in June when he drove out from Missouri with me in my car loaded down with some of my things. He was here to meet Miss Cathy for the first time and to help me out while I got her ready for her knee-replacement surgery. While he was here he decorated the balcony with palms, ferns and some blooming plants as a gift for her but he said that he also decorated it with me in mind so that I would have a calm, inviting retreat once I moved back here. It was a loving gesture that was completely lost on me at the time. I was going through so much emotionally (much of which I was clueless about) that I couldn’t appreciate the gift or the gesture-all I saw was another responsibility and something else I’d have t take care of. But now, I come out here and each time I water the plants or sit out here and journal or just sit in the rocking bench I think about Chad and what a loving gesture the plants are.

Miss Cathy had an outing yesterday (Tuesday the 24th). When I got up she was gone with Adele. It was nice to have the place to myself for a little while, I didn’t know how long she’d be gone but I was hoping until 2pm or so and I was just about right. So, I had the whole day to myself to work and make calls from the dining room and not be cramped up in my little bedroom where it’s hot (because of the computer and cable modem boxes) and unfortunately it’s a room that just doesn’t seem to get a lot of A/C so I have a small fan running 24/7. It’s still jammed packed with a lot of my stuff and not comfortable. I really didn’t think it was that bad until I started spending more time in other rooms of the apartment. I know I need to go online to Craigslist and buy some bookshelves and a comfortable chair and desk but at the end of the day I’m too tired and frankly I’m worried about the money.

When I first moved here I just holed in the room and made the best of it, hot, closed off, whatever-it was my sanctuary and I was/am glad of it. Now I’m spending more time in the living room with Miss Cathy, keeping her company and lately she’s been going to bed early so I’ve been watching TV in the living room in the evenings.

It was nice to have some peace and quiet while I worked and moved about during the day. When 2pm came and the “work day” was done I’d just gotten out of the shower, dressed and was about to leave to go to the hardware store to get a bolt for the toilet seat (I was so excited to have an “outing” and to see if I could remember how to get to the Lowes I saw the other day when Miss Cathy and I took her clothes to the Salvation Army to donate. This was my excitement for the day) when I heard someone fumbling with the locks so I knew that mom had returned. I stayed long enough to say hello to both of them and I was gone, happy to have somewhere to go even if for a little while, to be out in the world-even if “the world” was a strip mall in New Carrolton, Maryland.

Earlier, while I had the luxury of being alone and uncensored I called Chad to talk and catch up, we talk almost every night but most times I feel like I’m tired or boring or whatever, today I was rested and ready to chat. Being conscious of the time difference and not knowing if he’d been up late the night before I tried my best not to call too early (something I’m all too ready to bite someone else’s head off for) Since I’d seen that he was on Facebook I thought it was okay to call so I did. It was kind of obvious that he was distracted or cranky or “just not present” from early in the conversation but I didn’t care I just charged on, babbling about blah, blah, blah. He even told me he was pressed for time, that he was running out for a massage but I just kept talking till he cut me of to say he had to go or he’d be late. I got of the phone feeling needy and stupid, I know it’s not that big a deal but I couldn’t stop myself, I was that lonely and needing some contact with somebody. I know it’s not fair to make one person your “life-line” and your only social outlet-it’s not fair and it’s kind pathetic really.

So, I hung up with no malice toward him, hey, there’d been plenty of times when I was half present when he wanted to talk, it’s just a case of timing but it did make me realize that I’ve got to get out more.

I don’t really feel on top of my game today. Maybe it’s because I stayed up late last night watching TV or because today I realized that I’m not doing such a hot job of taking care of Miss Cathy. I mean, we got to her appt with Dr Granite on time and everything.We were a little early which is what she prefers but while we were in the waiting room I looked in my bag and realized that I’d forgotten my “Mom” book-the one that I keep all my notes, her appointments, etc.

I mean, jeez-I’m the one who set the appointment, I knew what I had to pack and I didn’t double-check my bag this morning before we left. Oh no, I was too busy this morning with my own personal grooming to make sure I had what she needed-speaking of personal grooming I noticed that Miss Cathy could have used some lotion (or Vaseline-her preference) on her legs and a comb threw her hair.

I’ve got to start noticing these things before we leave the apartment. Not that she’s complaining, it’s a little past 4pmand she’s just rousing from a nap and called me into her bedroom to tell (once again) how much she appreciated the “God given sacrifice” I’ve made to live with her, that I “gave up my lifestyle” or “my life” she was confused which it should be but she wanted me to know that she knows that what I’ve done has allowed her to be in her own home.

She asked me to come give her a hug and I guiltily walked out of the room. If she only knew how much shit I talk about her behind her back and how I spend most days just going through the motions till I can be alone in my little room for some “me” time when I don’t have to listen to her constant talking and the never ending repetitious conversations about the same four topics.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. Tony and Suemi came over to drop off the last of the boxes of my stuff that I mailed to then from Kansas City. They were suppose to just do a quick “drive-by” but I ended up sitting in their car and talking to them for about 20 minutes knowing that they had somewhere to be but not being able to shut up. I was like a child with an ice cream cone, I was furiously trying to devour it before the sun melted it or someone came and took it away. I was grateful for the company and obviously needed to talk about what it’s been like here. And they are the two people that can relate the most.

It felt great sitting in their car, laughing and comparing “war stories”. It wasn’t all at Miss Cathy’s expense, most of it was just letting off some steam and feeling validated by someone who’s been there, too.

Jeez, wring/reading that makes me wonder if I “need” to get to a support group meeting! If I’m this desirous of company and “need “ to talk so much about what’s going on, wouldn’t it make sense? Anyway, being with them, even for a short period of time recharged my battery and was just the shot in the arm I needed to “keep on, keeping on”.

Especially since I missed my “outing” with my friend William. It was totally my fault, we were suppose to get together on Sunday and I was really looking forward to it but I didn’t have my cell phone near me when he called so he had to made other choices that means we probably won’t see each other for awhile. When we finally talked on the phone he told me how he and his partner, Anthony went to a movie and out for a bite to eat, I listened wishing that I was there-dressed in grown up clothes and having grown up conversation about something other than “the weather, pills, traffic or what a bitch Suemi is”.
Oh well, it’s just one more thing for me to beat myself up about. And the joke between us is that William is supposed to be the “un-dependable” one

I’ve seen a lot of improvements in Miss Cathy, especially in this last week. She just seems more like her old self, more centered, active and strong. She’s eating more and that seems to have improved her stamina and vitality. She definitely has her moments though, like the dryer for instance: yesterday was the second time I had to help her turn it on. The first was when she confused the dryer turn-on knob for the one on the washing machine she pulled it off its base instead of turning it to the right. She called me over when she couldn’t get it started again; we both stood there, me to the side and she directly in front of the dryer. I tried to get it working but to no avail. I took the knob off and put it back on; looked to make sure it was plugged in, reset the temp dials-nothing. I was about to give up and suggest calling a repairman when I looked down and saw that Miss Cathy was standing in front of the dryer with the door open. “Mom”, I said, “you’re standing in front of the open door, you need to shut it to make it work.”

“I’m just as crazy as I can be.” She said.

Today is Sunday; it’s my day off from “work” but not a day off from my responsibilities to Miss Cathy so I’m still trying to figure that one out. I mean, I get to sleep in a little but I can’t leave for the day so other than not having to make phone calls for four hours my routine is basically the same; pills for Miss Cathy after she has breakfast, spend a little time with her during the day, run any errands for her and pick up whatever she may need, help out or hang out with her as she makes her dinner, watch a little “Bonanza” or “Andy Griffin” with her then it’s pills again before I turn out her lights so she can go to sleep for the night.

I still feel like I’m behind in the things I said I was going to do when I still lived in Kansas City and was making plans to move back here. I’ve had paperwork that I’ve needed to fill out and mail so Miss Cathy can have some home care when I’m not around and a host of other benefits-meals, housecleaning, you name it. I just need to get together with Tony to fill in her financials and send it in to see if she qualifies. There’s a form I need to fill out for a waiting list for assisted living facilities that provides financial help in the area that will take her when the time comes that she’s too much for me to handle alone,too. I keep kicking myself for procrastinating because we could both benefit from her being in these programs, I don’t know what my problem is sometime. I’m “Johnny on the spot” for most things and then there are those times when one or two items on the list seem to just linger and linger.

Anyway, I have the car loaded with five boxes of clothes that Miss Cathy is donating to the Salvation Army. She insisted that I get her boxes instead of using trash bags because she “didn’t want anyone to be able to see what she was donating” yeah, I know!

Since this all began in January she’s been very resistant to the idea of getting rid of anything or having her things disturbed. I get it, you know she’s getting older and now with this diagnosis, loss of control and power in her life she has to feel that she’s in control somewhere-of something.

We’d talked about her donating some of her things months ago when she was in rehab after her knee replacement surgery and I thought she’d either forget all about it or resist if I suggested the idea. So, I was a little surprised when on Monday she just got to work and started pulling the clothes out of her closets herself. Truth be told her closets are still packed with clothes and it’s hard to tell that she’s gotten of anything but its’ the symbolism of the act of letting go that I’m most impressed with.

Back in May I took almost a week while she was in rehab and really tried to give this place a deep clean. I threw out a lot of stuff that was broken, worn out or just “too old to serve a purpose” and packed away at least 100 stuffed animals that she’d been collecting for years. Not only were they dusty (and creepy in that volume-in my opinion) they were everywhere and in the way of her walking around the apartment with her cane when she came home. Out of respect for her and her home I made sure not to throw away most of her things and put them ins storage instead-just in case she pitched a fit and wanted everything returned to where it was I would at least have most of it to put back.

I was surprised at how pleased she was when she came home and saw the results, she seemed to like the cleaner, streamlined apartment and appreciated that the clutter was gone and didn’t really miss anything or ask that anything be put back.

She has softened her position over time and seems to be slowly adjusting to change and seeing the value of letting things go; clutter, things that had sentimental value and some things that are just “old” and worn out.

The past couple of days have been pretty good, especially considering that the phone is still in/out of service (same with the Internet). Miss Cathy is pretty mad about the situation. She got so worked up yesterday I thought she was going to have an aneurism. She was cut off in the middle of a gossip session with her younger sister, Ernestine and man did that “tick her off”. I sat and listened to her rant for a while and I agreed with her. There are times when her emotional outbursts are misplaced or inappropriate but this is not one of those times.

When she is on the phone I try not to eavesdrop but a) the apartment is small and 2) Miss Cathy talks loud so I overhear some of what I cannot tune out. Lately, when she’s been able to talk on the phone I’ve heard her telling people that she’s so happy to be home and in her own bed, “praise God for answering my prayers” she’s oft repeated (like a lot of old people I notched that she’s gotten very religious in the last several years. My brother and I didn’t grow up with any particular religion and lord knows she wasn’t as “Praise God this” and “thank the Lord” that when we were kids, she was more prone to expletives. Who knows, maybe it’s something that just “happens” with age like osteoporosis.

All of the stress and anger over the phones not working really started to get the better of both Miss Cathy and me o Thursday. The Comcast workers were here right on time this AM at 9 and stayed for 1 1/2 hours and when they left it was with optimistic skepticism that everything was working. Well, the Internet is back up and hasn’t gone off line yet but the phone has a new problem-it drops calls about 5 minutes into a conversation. I was in my room trying to work (believe me all these distractions have not made it any easier to do a job that I don’t want to do in the first place) when mom call out, “Hello!” “Hello!” “Phone went out again.”

My first thought was that it was something she was doing wrong or had gotten confused but the same thing happened to me when I had to use the land line to call AT&T because (you’re never going to believe this) my cell phone started dropping calls-I know, there’s just some funky communications ”black hole” going on in this apartment.

I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me but after a couple more hours of calling the Comcast guys to get them to come back out (no success), calling AT&T and having them troubleshoot my cell phone (the calls got dropped every five minutes because I was on the Comcast phone and they’d have to call me back) This just became too much to bare so I thought,” Fuck it!” I cannot stay in this apartment another minute.

I said to Miss Cathy, “ I don’t know about you but I need to get out of here, take a drive or go somewhere. Do you want to go out for a little bit to just change the energy around here?”

She was all for it. She told me she was getting “ticked off” and wanted to “cuss somebody out”. I could see that she was very agitated, I reminded her that we shouldn’t take it out on each other and that we should be good to one another, “we’re in this together.”

We got in the car and ran some errands; post office, gas station and then to the grocery store. Mom was able to walk slowly to the store entrance and I suggested she push the shopping cart because she could use the cart for support as she walked (a trick I learned form my old friend George told me that’s why you don’t see old people complaining about pushing a shopping cart). Just inside the door Miss Cathy plowed down a cupcake display with the shopping cart then proceeded to almost run into a couple of people as she wondered about the vegetables. She had the nerve to get angry and snapped at me when I told her she should pay attention to where she was going. We stood in the vegetable aisle arguing for a minute or two, she telling me not to talk to her “that way” and me telling her that she’s got to “take some responsibility for her actions” that “it's not other peoples responsibility to get out of her way”. We went back and forth a few times, loud enough that people were looking at us so finally I said, “Fine, I’ll just leave you to do whatever you want-plow into food displays, run people over, fall down if you want. I’m not going to say anything and leave you alone to do whatever you want”

“Good” she said, “We still friends?” “Always.” I replied, and we continued to grocery shop and chat as if nothing had happened.

Back home, Miss Cathy started to cook the tilapia; my job was to cook the corn. I went into my room to file mail and I realized that I’d neglected to write down a doctor's appt that I’d made yesterday for mom for I had to spend some time calling the doctor’s office (they weren’t answering the phone right away). That took so much time that when I came back into the kitchen to help Miss Cathy I noticed that she’d put the corn into a small pot to boil. Instead of leaving it I decided to transfer the corn into a larger pot then I left to go back to my room.

When I came back into the kitchen the first thing mom said was,” Did you turn the pot up to boil.” I said, “No, I just thought that since you had it on the stove that it was already set to boil.”

Somehow that started another argument between us, me accusing her of playing “Gotcha” (; laying in wait to find something wrong so that she could bring it to my attention, thereby making herself feel better and not the only one that makes mistakes or needs correcting-hey, that’s my take on it anyway and I stand by it.) And she accused me (once again) of being “sensitive” and how hard it is to say anything to me and around me.
Of course I took total offence to that and for some reason the way she says” sensitive” really get me going, and I still have no idea what she means by that. I told her that she’s lucky I’m “sensitive”, the fact that I’m ‘sensitive” is the reason that I’m here.

We went a few more rounds with me finally telling her that I was sick of her “laying in wait” to find fault with something I’ve done, I’m just trying my best here (she said she was, too) and that she is a pain in the ass, complains all the time and finds fault with not just me but Tony and Suemi as well. This last bit I said a little too loudly but I didn’t apologize, it was true and she needs to hear it. I know that what I said penetrated to some place deep inside her because she didn’t say anything and stood there listening. I felt bad that once again, I was raising my voice to her and being impatient but she just gets me so damn mad sometimes. I disappoint myself when I lash out at her and I know I keep saying I’m going to stop so all I can do is not beat myself up and do better next time.

I walked out of the room just to give myself a minute, when I came back we finished making the meal in over politeness, then we sat down in the living room to eat the meal together in front of the television focusing our comments on the “doctor show” we were watching.

I have been impressed that Miss Cathy has been keeping herself busy during the day. While I’m making my calls, she’s been going through her clothes, putting things in boxes for goodwill and tailoring other things to fit now that she’s lost 40 pounds.

She surprised me yesterday by coming out of her bedroom with a huge trash bag full of old paperwork that’s been in her dresser drawers for years ready to be thrown out. What surprised me is that she went through and threw things out voluntarily, for years she’s just been pretty much hoarding things and heaven help you if you suggesting it was time to get rid of anything. It’s been a couple weeks now that she’s been home and I can see that she’s more relaxed (even in the face of all the phone problems and people in/out of the apartment) and comfortable.

Today started off with a bang, at 4:30am Miss Cathy woke me up by shouting out my name. When she knew she had my attention she said, “I think someone is at the door.” “It’s 4:30 in the morning,” I said but I got up anyway and walked my naked ass to the door in the dark without my glasses to pacify her.

When I got back in bed I struggled to not be pissed off and to try to relax so I could get back to sleep. I must have dropped off at some point because the next thing I knew it was 8:30am and time to get up “to make the donuts”.

It was a quiet morning; I had time for my coffee and time to write in my journal on the balcony, enjoying the morning air. When I talked to Miss Cathy later in the day there was no mention of waking me up earlier, maybe she’d forgotten about it? Oh well, I didn’t think much of it-just that it’s probably something I’ll have to expect from time to time. I’m trying to learn that it’s not what she does that I should be concerned about-it’s more about my reaction and how I handle the situation, come what may.

My nephew, Zachary called early in the day to invite to see his new apartment so I had something to look forward to and my first quandary. I had told Zach that “maybe I would come alone if grandma wasn’t feeling up to the trip” but after thinking about it I admitted to myself that I wanted to go alone to see his place. I haven’t seen my nephew in awhile and I rarely get a chance to spend any quality time with him so I selfishly decided that I’d go by myself. What to tell Miss Cathy was another story. I rationalized that Miss Cathy didn’t include me in her plans with her girlfriend (nor did I want her too) and Suemi did tell me that I should go out and do what I needed for myself, that she would be (and had been fine) on her own alone at Tony’s house for a few hours.

It’s funny but I debated whether or not to go alone, wondering if she would be hurt if I didn’t invite her, if she’d just assume that she was invited and start to get ready……. Oye! I was really over thinking this but hey-it’s what I do.

As the time grew near to leave I thought I was in the clear because she’d been napping most of the afternoon but just as I was leaving my room to walk out the door I saw that she was wide awake. So, I decided to tell her that I was “going out for a while” and that I was “going over to see Zachary’s new place”. Her only question was whether Tony and Suemi would be there. She didn’t make a move to come along or ask if she was invited-it was a non-issue.

Almost an hour later I was sitting in my nephew’s apartment, marveling at the interior architecture, it had the bones of a great 1960’s apartment, exposed beam ceiling, high slanted ceiling and tons of natural light. We sat on his Ikea dining room chairs that he’d just put together and he asked me for some decorating advice that I was delighted to give.


I noticed that I’d missed two voicemails from Miss Cathy so I went to retrieve them. Before I could listen to the first message mom was calling through again.

“Hi mom”, I said, “What’s going on?”

“I had a little accident”, she said in a little girl voice.

I thought she meant that she’d urinated on herself so imagine my surprise when she told me that she’d fallen down and hit her head. She couldn’t really tell me how she came to fall, all she knew was that she’d fallen and hit the back of her head on her nightstand. She told me that she’d called Dr Granite and he advised going to the hospital if she couldn’t find someone to sit with her because she was alone. She sounded pretty calm considering what had happened and I told her so. I reminded her that she was doing a good job; she’d called me, her doctor and even the neighbors to let them know what happened. I told her that I was on my way home and to call me if she felt dizzy again or if she needed to call the rescue squad.

I hung up the phone, told Zach what had happened and that I had to leave immediately. Part of me felt cheated, cheated out of some “me” time, cheated out of an opportunity to bond with my nephew, whom I rarely see and don’t really know as an adult (hell, I barely knew much about him as he was growing up) I’d only been there about 30 minutes and I felt like we’d just started a conversation and now it was interrupted, who knows when it will continue. I’m not being dramatic I just know that we’re not that close of a family, he’s young and just starting life on his own and I’ve got my plateful (clearly) and don’t know when I’ll feel secure enough to leave Miss Cathy alone again to make the two hour drive round trip to hang out with my nephew.

Zach walked me out to my car and I gave him a hug goodbye. There was so much I wanted t talk to him about, to ask him, but it will have to wait till another time.

I drove onto the freeway in the wrong direction costing me about 20 minutes additional travel time. It was a combination of being upset and not having any sense of direction at all. I was frustrated that it happened but not surprised. I called Tony to help get me back on track and after I followed his directions I was driving on a completely different highway home-that’s sure not going to help me get back there again.

When I had Tony on the phone I didn’t tell him what had happened, he was in the car with Suemi and Nile on their way to a movie. I thought, “Why ruin their afternoon.” They just spent the last two months taking care of Miss Cathy, best to let them enjoy some time to themselves for a while, besides, they’ll find out soon enough.

Traffic was god awful but I finally got home an hour later to find Miss Cathy sitting in the living room with small ziplock bag of watery ice held against the back of her head. She was visibly happy to see me and immediately starting apologizing,” for taking me away from my evening”. I told her she had nothing to apologize for and I meant it. It’s not like she called me t say she was bored and wanted company-something real happened and let’s face it-I’m here precisely because of things like this happening.

I seem to be more in my element when there’s a clear crisis or problem to solve. The day to day mundane activities of care giving seem to be what trip me up the most and cause me the most irritation. Give me a bump on the head and I know what to do-and howto respond with kindness, understanding and action.

It was 5:45pm when I get back here, by 7:30pm I had made her dinner, sat with her in the living room keeping her company and checking to make sure she didn’t show any signs of having a concussion. I changed her ice packs a few times, and warmed her throw in the dryer so she could wrap up and be toasty warm. The throw in the dryer was her idea and a pretty good solution to her always feeling cold. She even had me put a warmed throw on top of her sheets for when she got into bed.

By the time she was ready to go to bed she was in a pretty good mood and as she was toddling down the hall to her bedroom I could hear her saying to herself more than anybody, “And I had the nerve to think I could live alone.” “I can’t even walk around the apartment without falling-that’s pretty fucked up!”

Considering how crappy yesterday was, today was a pretty good day. The cable guy was here around 11am to fix what he didn’t fix when he was here on Tuesday. While he was here working I did notice that the interruption and constant in/out of the apartment seemed to get Miss Cathy pretty worked up though. She’s usually very easy going about workers being around, being friendly and chatting with them. Today she was different, maybe she was feeding off my energy because I made no bones about letting the guy know how unsatisfied I was with his wok and made him change several things to suit me and not to make it easy for him to finish he job early so he could leave and move on to the next unfortunate Comcast cable customer.

She was visibly jumpy because when the technician had to check the phone line it was constantly ringing. And he was running new cable wire all over the apartment, which meant that I had to move furniture so it became quite the obstacle course, making it hard for her to move around. I think that just his being here for so long (about 2 1/2 hours) really messed with whatever routine mom had established for her morning. Just yesterday she seemed to be excited about a shopping trip she’d planned to take today with Adele but when Adele called she cancelled saying that she just “didn’t feel like it anymore”.

The phone and internet had been spotty ever since before she came home last Saturday and I’d hoped to have it fixed soon after she got here but it’s just been a long series of phone interruptions for her and lost time on the computer for me. I knew form the reading that it’s very important for Alzheimer’s patients to have routine, stability and comfortable surroundings and seeing as how Miss Cathy hasn’t really lived in her own apartment sine this all began in January the last thing I wanted was to have something as basic as the phone not working to be an issue. You’d think it’s not such a big deal but who are we kidding-I’m totally dependent on my internet and thank god I have my cell phone or I’d go nuts and I’m not elderly with any issues so you can image how upsetting this has been for her. When the phones would go dead she would think it was the phone at first “Maybe it needs a new battery” she’d say. Then she would just get disgusted with the Cable Company and rant about what it was that they weren’t doing to fix the problem-and I really couldn‘t argue with her.

But, the problem was fixed (or so we hope) around 1pm so I was able to get back to work and Miss Cathy was so worn out by it all that she went back to bed for a nap.

I kept a promise to myself to go to the gym after I finished working, to walk off alittle anxiety and pump some iron to rid myself of some of the negative toxins that have accumulating in my system. I’m convinced that some of the fat my body is holding onto is a direct result of all the stress and anxiety-that and the mounds of food I shuffle in my pie-hole every night….but I digress.

When I got back from my workout mom was up and in a better mood, she went into the kitchen and fried up some fish for dinner so I had no choice than to join her for a meal. I had planned to chill out in my room but it was much nicer to sit down with her and eat. The fish was alittle overcooked but hey, it was still good ole southern home cooking.

I helped her with her shower later and she confessed that last night she had alittle accident when she got up for a late night tinkle. She couldn’t get her adult diaper off in time to urinate so she soiled the rug in front of her commode. I told her it was not a big deal, that it was good thing she had her “depends” on and that she made into the bathroom and onto the rug and didn’t wet the bed or the carpet.

She wondered out loud if it was better to not wear the “depends” because maybe it was the diaper that was slowing her down. I suggested that she keep it on, try to get to the bathroom at the first sensation that she feels she has to go and if she can’t hold it in then to just go into the adult diaper and not try to pull it down.

She nodded her head so we’ll see. It is a lot, for her and me and today I had enough distance and calm to see that we’re both doing our best-that’s all anybody can ask.

Later I tiptoed into her room to turn off her TV and lights and she called me back into the room to give me a hug and to thank me for “everything”. She asked if we could go shopping for the things she wanted to get so that she could give Adele a break, I said,”Sure.” So, it looks like we’re gonna go on our first shopping trip together.

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Wow, what a crappy day! I mean I felt bad the minute I woke up and realized that I’d overslept by 1/2 an hour. That’s not such a big deal but this morning I just felt “off” from the “get-go”. Miss Cathy greeted me with her usual sunny “Good morning” and informed me that Adele was coming over shortly I was to outside to carry in the groceries that Adele was buying for her. First of all, this was all before I had any coffee and I resented that fact that I was just “offered up” to play Sherpa and not “asked”. I mean, okay, I’m here to help but I’m not a servant.

Anyway, the day only got worse. I didn’t help matters by not really eating anything all day except a small bowl of cereal so when I was finally finished with my telesales job at 2pm I was cranky, and out of sorts. I went into the kitchen for something to eat and in no mood for my mom’s “Woo-hooing” at me. She has this habit of yelling out “heyyy” or some other sounds that can mean anything from “I’m coming when someone knocks at the door”, “I hear someone else in the room” or “Hey ,I want something”-usually she just says “Can you come here for a minute”, but, today it was “woo-hoo” and I wasn’t feeling it so I ignored her.

Not getting any response from her shout-out, she called out again and said “didn’t you hear me calling you?” I walked into the living and snapped, “I didn’t know you were calling me. How was I supposed to know that? You make those noises at everything! I would appreciate it if you called my name I you want me or came into the room to get me if you needed me.”

“Oh, I forgot how sensitive you are”, she replied. I said,“I gotta say that that shouting is annoying as all get out. I’m not so sensitive, I’m just not used to someone shouting out at me to get my attention.”

So, I escaped back to the solace of my room without anything to eat where I opened the letter from the post office that she was trying to alert me to. There was more good news to add to my day when I opened the letter to read that the post office had lost one of the boxes of my things that I’d shipped to myself from Kansas City. “Oh joy!” I thought, “this is just perfect.” Well, the good news only got better when I discovered that the box that’s missing is the only box that I didn’t log in my daybook along with a description of what was inside so I have no idea what they lost.

I called Chad and we brainstormed what could possibly have been in the box.We didn’t come up with anything conclusive but talking to him did help me calm down and I started to feel guilty about snapping a Miss Cathy.

I got off the phone resolved to apologizing but first I had to deal with the fact that the internet and phones were not working-this day was just the gift that keeps on giving!

A couple hours later I had yet another appointment for the cable company to come out and the promise that a supervisor to call me. Having that behind me I went into Miss Cathy’s room where she was laying down sat on her bed and told he that I was sorry for snapping at her.

She said, “No, that’s all right, I know how sensitive you are I was just trying to tell you about the letter but you were working and I didn’t want to disturb you. I know I’m loud and I heard you when you said you don’t like it when I shout so I won’t do it anymore.”

“Well, I’m not trying to change you,” I said, “We’re both getting used to living with one another and it’s going to take some time and I don’t know if its anything to do with being sensitive but I just don't like to hear shouting coming at me through the apartment.”
“ I’m not trying to change you, I just wanted you to know that the shouting really annoys me.”

So, with that behind us we chatted alittle more and she told me that she’d been feeling light headed when she moved around in the bed. I asked how much water she’d been drinking and suggested she drinks more and to make sure she ate something. I made her a half tuna fish sandwich and later we ate a bowl of mixed greens together. I haven’t been monitoring what’s she’s been eating but I am noticing that left to her own devices she won’t eat but tow meals a day and she considered a piece of apple pie lunch. Clearly, I need to take charge of what and how much she’s eating.

I know I said I was just going to “observe” her for the first week and not force any changes on her or her routines but some things need to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Things have been going pretty good since Miss Cathy’s’ arrival. She settling in and adjusting to being back home so I’m not following her around or giving her any limits as to what she can and cannot do. She’s just so happy to be home that I don’t want to spoil the experience for her; besides, nothing has happened that I’ve had to step in-not yet anyway. She’s got first stage dementia and early onset Alzheimer’s so her issues are nowhere near as severe as they’re likely to get In the future. Right now her major issues are confusion, some forgetfulness, mood swings and denial that she has dementia.

Her overall spirit seems to have changed-while there are periods when she’s her old self, little by little there are changes in her personality that are so surprising to me. Just a few years ago and for most of my life she has been a vital, vibrant, witty, balls to the wall, independent person who was not afraid to tackle a challenge and stand on her own. Now she seems at times afraid of everything, paranoid and dependent to the point of almost being child-like. Maybe it’s me, maybe she’s always been this way and it’s taken time and the new circumstances we find ourselves in to reveal this part of her to us? Or maybe it’s that I’ have so long viewed her through the eyes of a child that was in awe of and afraid of his parent, respectful but afraid I’d never measure up to their image of what an “adult” should be.

She complains constantly but at the same time contradicts herself about what she’s complaining about. Since this all began in January (which is when I became hyper aware of her habits) a lot of the things that I thought were true about her have changes. Maybe this all started years ago but I wasn’t living here and I wasn’t looking to closely. It’s like my shrink told me when I first discussed her diagnosis, “Its easy to sound healthy and good over the phone.” She said, “Since you’re not there to see the person they could be surrounded by fifth and you’d never know, and since our calls were more or less on a weekly basis lot of people that re sick can anticipate the call and will themselves to sound good so they won’t alarm there loved ones.”

Since Saturday she’s helped unpack some her clothes. Made some alterations on her pants (she’s lost about 40 pounds since the first of the year) and she’s even managed to cook on several occasions. She’d burned up a few things on the stove in the recent past, once at Tony’s and twice here she’d turned the stove on high and walked away as pots if food or water burned unattended. We’d all agreed that she shouldn’t be cooking but I let her cook just to see how she’d do and I kept a discreet eye on her as she was cooking.

On Sunday Adele came over and took her out for several hours, which was a nice break for me and a great outing for Miss Cathy. She came back happy, laden down with groceries and contented herself to “snapping” the green beans in the living room while she watched TV then preparing them on the stove with potatoes and bacon. The beans were a success and she called down our upstairs neighbor, Ron to come get a bowl for his dinner. Ron has been a neighbor and friend to Miss Cathy for years, almost a third son, looking out for her and keeping her company. He’s watered the plants while she’s away and shoveled snow off her car in the winter so mom re-pays him my making him food on occasion because he doesn’t cook and mainly lives on take-out.

We’re still working out what our routines will be and what the boundaries are, it’s only been a few days but we have had some rows in the past and so I know something is coming, until then so far so good.

She asked for me to be in the bathroom just in case she needed help getting in or out of the shower, her fear is that she will slip and fall. So, I stood like a doorman on Park Ave oblivious to the goings of the rich and indiscreet as she undressed and slowly got herself situated in the shower chair after much adjusting of the temperature of the water. My sister in law, Suemi has a theory that some how Miss Cathy has developed a fear of water because she avoided showers and seems to make such a production out of taking one during the two and half months she lived with them while I was back in Kansas City preparing to come live here. Before all of this happened she would take baths, always saying that she detested showers, “It feels like someone is spitting on me” was how she’d describe the experience but since her diagnosis and after her knee surgery she doesn’t trust that she has the strength to lift herself in/out of the bathtub, it’s that fear that outweighs her objections to being “spit on” in the shower.


Somehow Miss Cathy never got the memo that 72 is the new 62.When did she start to look so old? While my mom was never glamorous she was always an attractive woman who took pride in her appearance. But now she’s content to toddle around the apartment in a house-dress (when was the last time you saw one of those?) a velour warm-up jacket, tube socks and men’s bedroom slippers. At first I thought she resembled my grandmother but no, she’s looking more like Mom’s Mabely, the comedian who worked blue and was shockingly funny because she was an old black woman who looked like a washer woman but had the mouth of Richard Pryor and was twice as funny.

Yesterday I took her to see her primary care physician, Dr Granite. We were almost late because we had a home security system installed just minutes before we were to leave for the doctor. The reason the appointments overlap is because the security system was something that Miss Cathy’s set up on her own, taking over r an existing account from a friend. If it was up to me we wouldn’t have a the system and save the money but it is her money and the apartment was robbed earlier in the year when she was first living at Toy’s after her first stint in a Physical rehabilitation facility. So, while I completely understand her position I still think that her constant talking about theft and being robbed borders on the obsessive.

Anyway, back at the doctor's office…it was our first “outing” together since I was here to take care of her for her Knee surgery back in May.

So, I thought before I go any further that I should give you some background about me and how I got to be here. I’m an artist, always have been and hope to always be. I have known great success but those days are behind me now. At present I’m at a lull in my career-partly due to changing tastes in the marketplace but more to do with my own angst, inertia, alcoholism and indifference about my relationship between my art and my life, which for the past five years has been some of the worst emotionally and financially that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been in a relationship for three plus years with a man seventeen years younger than me and surprisingly it’s been the healthiest relationship I think I’ve ever had, sad statement since I’m fifty one but “it is what it is”. Like most relationships we’d had our ups and downs and we were definitely on the outs when all this happened in January but since then we have rallied. What we are right now is “family” and “there for one another” no matter the distance. But, more on that later…..suffice to say that when this all this started I had a full life, it was fucked up, fun, boring at times, exciting at others and I was trying my best to stay afloat financially, creatively and emotionally.

In fact, Chad and I were on a lay-over in Atlanta, trying to get back home to Kansas City after a four star disaster of a “let’s take a cruise to re-connect and get our relationship back on track” cruise when I got the phone call from my brother, Tony that no adult child of an older parent wants to get. Tony called to tell me that mom was in the hospital, she’d been found in her apartment after a fall where she lay naked on her bathroom floor for three days, disoriented, dehydrated and unable to get up or respond to help.

Apparently mom and her girlfriend, Adele had been out together shopping, as was their routine but mom hadn’t called Adele back later that day so Adele stopped by to check on her a couple days later after unsuccessfully trying to reach her on the phone. When she knocked on the door mom wouldn’t answer and when she yelled out to mom, Miss Cathy responded that she was “okay” and/or for Adele to go away (anybody that knows “Miss Cathy” knows that when she says to “go away” that she means it)

So, Adele went away but luckily she trusted her instincts and she came back the next day fearing that something was wrong and she didn’t go away.

When she returned on the third day she pounded on the door and heard the same answer, “I’m fine” coming from somewhere behind the door. When Miss Cathy wouldn’t come to the door as Adele requested just so she could “see” if she was indeed fine she went to the Condo office and police and was told that since she wasn’t a “blood” relative there was nothing they could do. Adele reached Tony who was on vacation in Atlantic City and told him what was going on and waited for them to come back to Maryland. Tony and Suemi drove through the night to get to Miss Cathy’s apartment where the police had to break down the front door because mom had a police “night-stick” barricading the door against thieves. Tony had told her to stop using the devise years ago warning her that although it prevented thieves from entering it also stopped those who would try to rescue her as well -and that’s exactly what came to pass.

Once inside they found her awake but disoriented, still maintaining that she was “fine” and all that she needed to do was “just get to the phone so that it would stop ringing” even as they had to lift her naked and wrap her in blankets to keep her warm because she was too weak to get up by herself. They took her to nearby Doctor’s Hospital where she underwent a battery of tests.

This was the story that Tony related to me as I sat in the airport on January 10th. I hung up the phone not knowing quite what to do, should I get on a plane for MD and not go home at all? My clothes were on their way to KC but did I need “cruise-wear” to deal with a medical emergency? I told Chad what had happened and we decided that it would be best for me to get home to Kansas City and then fly out to Maryland as soon as I could arrange to put my life on hold for an indefinite amount of time because I had no idea what I would find when I got to her or what would be expected out of me.

I was able to fly out two days later and arranged be away for at least a month. Tony, Suemi and Adele were around as much as they could but I pretty much moved into the hospital room so that I could be as available as possible and not miss a doctor if/when they came around.

By the time I got to the hospital the tests were all back and it seemed to me that they led to more questions than answers. When I walked into the hospital room and saw her lying on the bed she looked as if she’d aged ten years since I saw her not a year ago.

Since mom had no memory of the fall or her time on the bathroom floor she was no help to the doctors at all. She suffered no broken bones and only minor bruises so physically she would recover but I was immediately concerned that she didn’t seem like herself. Although she’d been in the hospital for a few days, had eaten, was hydrated and rested she still seemed disoriented. The doctors’ at the hospital explained that they thought her mental condition w as temporary and would clear up in time but Tony and I were not satisfied with that prognosis.


I talked to her primarily care physician and told him my concerns. Dr Granite is a man she’s been going to for more than twenty years who knows her quite well and has treated her for a variety of maladies. He’s one of those old fashioned doctor’s that you don't see much of these days-sincerely involved and vested in his patients well being and care. Once I described what I saw and what I knew of her situation (which he was already apprised of) he suggested that event though the CAT scans and MRI were clear of any trauma that I should request that a neurologist met with her and that’s exactly what I did.

My mom came home yesterday, or should I say I was here at her condo waiting for her to come back to her apartment after staying with my brother, Tony and his wife, Suemi for two and half months while I closed the page on my life in Kansas City where I had been living for five years until we got the diagnosis in January that “Miss Cathy” has dementia and early onset Alzheimer’s.

Since the Neurologist, Dr Alemayehu spoke those words that January afternoon in early 2010 nothing has been the same, for any of us really and that’s not just my brother and me. What has happened to Miss Cathy has affected my partner, Chad, nephew, Zachary, niece, Nile and probably my sister In law, Suemi the most because other than me she has been the one who’s been responsible for Miss Cathy’s day to day care, and believe me it hasn’t been easy for Suemi-she’s bared the brunt of Miss Cathy’s insults, demands and incontinence…..but I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, yesterday….Tony and Suemi arrived a little before noon and it was hot outside, the East Coast (as well as the rest of the planet) is experiencing unusual weather patterns so it’s been a hot summer and yesterday was no exception. I was alittle ambivalent about Miss Cathy coming home which is kind of strange in that l changed my whole frigging life to come take care of her and after being here for a week in her apartment, alone, getting things set up, putting my things away and continuing to clean some off some of the years of neglect which l now see were early indicators of her diagnosis I was getting quite content to be alone here with just the “idea” of caring for my mother but when Tony called to say they were outside the building I went into helper” mode without having any “feelings” about what was about to happen.

I went out to help Tony unload the van of Mom and her possessions and was taken aback by the amount of “stuff” there was to bring in (my god, what was all that shit? And why did she possibly need it so much of it when all she’s done for 2 1/2 months is sit around and complain?) I mean, there were clothes and more clothes, curlers and curling irons (and this for someone whom grooming her hair is an ongoing battle), toiletries enough for someone who actually had somewhere to go, there were lots of “old lady” bags-you know the ones where an old lady uses plastic shopping bags instead of luggage and it’s tied together so tight (presumably to ward off theft) but all it’s accomplishes is making it a bitch to try to open the bags without having to rip the tops off.

I was surprised to see Suemi standing there helping Miss Cathy out of the van. I was used to Tony schlepping back and forth solo or as Miss Cathy’s sole companion.

I greeted them both in the off-handed manner that some people greet family that are not naturally warm or used to being demonstrative in each other’s company. Suemi gets a pass because she’s Japanese and it’s a cultural thing but try as we might the hugs between the blood kin are tepid at best but I do get credit for “introducing the concept of touch” to the family years ago when I was a young man living in New York, newly out and bonding with my “family of friends” who taught me how to show affection; freely and often. They showed me what a difference touch could make in a person’s life. So, like any arrogant, young, gay man who’s had a taste of sophistication and style I took every opportunity l could to bring back what ‘d learned and show (off) for the folks back home and teach them what I’d learned and they‘d been missing.

So, we hugged and l helped Tony bring everything in while Suemi helped Miss Cathy navigate getting from the van, to the curb, then up the two flights of stairs into the apartment. When l first saw my mom I was struck by how “little” she was/is. She was wearing a white summer hat that had a short brim and bow detail on the back, quite stylish so Suemi must have bought it for her. The loose skin on her upper arms that flapped out from her short sleeved blue cotton top looked sad and vulnerable, old and tired. Somehow it matched her footsteps, shuffling along at a turtle’s pace in men’s jogging shoes that are too big for her feet (but she insisted on wearing because she bought them so cheap).

As Miss Cathy did battle with the stairs I gave Tony a nod of “I’m shocked” as we passed them twice before she could make it up the first flight of stairs. She’d had a knee replacement surgery four months ago but she was walking just as slow or slower, needing as much help as when she left the rehab facility.

Tony and Suemi stayed long enough to get Miss Cathy settled, Suemi walked around with her as she re-acquainted herself with her home and “oowed and ahhed” over some of the changes that I’d made in her absence. I’d put a new set of bed linens, comforter, European squares and decorative pillows on her bed just before they arrived. I was going to wait and ask her if she wanted new bed things but when l took a look at the tattered, old, mystery fiber that was her red comforter, sham and the bed sheets it was time to put them out those of their misery. Believe me I would have liked to throw it all away but not knowing what her reaction would be I carefully washed, and folded everything and put it away till I could safely dispose of it all like the storage room full of other things I “retired” from her apartment these past six or seven months of cleaning and re-decorating. She seemed pleased and happy with the new bedding and other improvements.

I showed Suemi the silk drapes that I bought in KC with Chad’s employee discount from his part time job at Restoration Hardware. I’m planning on redoing the entire apartment (in time) but simple fixes like new drapes, cleaning and editing out all the crap are within my reach and budget. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for new carpet, appliances, paint, etc but there’s’ not rush ad time to be creative and safe money.

Tony took the time (but never sat down) as he went over Miss Cathy’s financial state, re-aquatinted me with her pill regimen and other aspects of her life that I’m now solely responsible for. I don’t know why I was feeling nervous or apprehensive. I’d done all of this before, albeit for short bursts of time but it was real and I was affective at handling it all. Maybe it’s because this time it’s for the long haul and I don’t get to go back to “my life” after 30 or 90 days. I took in a much information as I could before sensing that I was going into overload and asked Tony to take back some of the files and to continue being the primary financial officer. My thought was that he could take care of the bulk of the bills and financial matters and l could concentrate on her day-to-day well-being. He agreed and I felt alittle of the weight lifting that had been starting to crush me since they’d arrived.

As I walked the two of them out tot their car Suemi gave me a “you can do this, just be patient” look. On the steps outside the apartment door that she told me to make sure that mom is wearing her depends-apparently their had been a couple of accidents of the poo variety (as well as pee). At that moment Tony and Suemi did about two minutes of George and Martha form “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf” arguing about whether or not Miss Cathy has been cooperating in wearing her adult diaper and when.

Feeling it was safe to make my leave I waved them good-bye and when back into start the next chapter of my life with my mother.